Mandy's Journal

I find myself struggling with everyday stresses that would never have gotten to me before. That frustration alone only adds to the stress. Some days I'm ok, other days not so much.

I realize I haven't updated this since Mike and I broke up and I know there are a few people who read this that I don't speak with regularly, so I thought I'd update them on the situation.

As I said, some days I'm ok, others I'm really down. I'm still not in a good place, and I don't really think I will be for a while. One of the worst things about this situation has been its disruption on my everyday life. Normal functions like doing homework and focusing in class have become arduous work like I have never before experienced. During the first week, I was experiencing up to 4 panic/anxiety attacks a day. I went and got a medication for it, which has helped to some extent, but it doesn't stop my mind from thinking. The littlest thing will trigger unhappiness, and I never know what that thing will be or where I will be when it happens. When it does, it drags me down and hurts. I've been hurting a lot, but I guess that's to be expected.

I started going to counseling last week, and I have another appointment on Wednesday. I'm hoping it will help. They urged me to keep the appointment I made with the psychiatrist at the health center because they can better assess my need and what to give me so I have that on Thursday. Mostly I'm just frustrated and I'm starting to get angry. I feel like everytime I take a step forward, something happens that knocks me back a step or two. Anytime progress is made, I see it slip between my fingers and then I have to fight hard again to regain it. The whole process has been mentally and physically exhausting, though I think I'm doing a good job of keeping myself amongst friends and involved. To be honest, I'm scared to spend too much time alone.

Just about every aspect of my life has sufferred because of this and I'm tired of it. I've even been having nightmares regularly. The kind that you wake up from because you were crying outloud. I don't want everyone thinking I'm saying this all to get sympathy. I've had my share of that from people around me, and it doesn't do anything. I just want those who aren't around me to understand how I'm feeling.

Because of it all, I've felt the extreme urge to get away from here. So for the first time ever, I'm going away from Spring Break. I'm actually taking an extended one and will be going to Minnesota on March 19th and returning on the 31st. The only time I feel hopeful are the times I'm planning to be away. I absolutely can't wait for Disneyworld in May and then taking the summer for myself. I've decided that I really need to focus on making myself happy, and I'm going to do whatever I want this summer, and spend my time wherever I want.

Still, there are rays of sunshine in my life. My friends continue to make me laugh, my family continues to show their support and concern for me, and hey, my public relations professor has called me his number one PR practitioner. That was definitely the highlight of my day. The only problem is, I'm more often feeling dark and depressed, and trying to hide it because I've worried the people around me too much.

I just can't wait for Spring Break. I want to forget all of this. I want to not feel the pain in the pit of my stomach and in my chest. I want to feel normal again, and I definitely don't want to turn into the person I was in high school. I don't want depression to envelop me again.

Mike and I broke up.

It's for the best for both of us. I don't want to talk about it too much, but I just thought I'd let everyone know. It wasn't a bad break up at all, and we talked with each other through the night about it. We're taking it one day at a time since we both care for each other so much. Neither of us want the other out of their life so we going to see what happens.

That's right! Today, I turned everything in and now all I have to do is wait to hear something. I really hope I get an assistantship position.

I feel....adult today. Kind of like how when you're in elementary school and high schoolers seem so old to you, but then you get there and it's nothing like what you thought it would be. When I was in high school I would never have imagined myself to be a grad student.

I do feel stupid about something. After turning in everything, I realized that on my letter of intent where I typed my name at the end and left a space for a signature I forgot to actually sign in....kinda made myself mad that I forgot something so stupid. I don't think it'll be a big deal though.

Today is a big day for Mike and I as we are celebrating three years together. Feels like it should be longer at times. We're going out to dinner tonight so that should be fun.

Nothing new lately. Classes are the same, work is the same.

Resolution: need to stop spending so much money on going out. Splurging has been fun, but it is depleting money that could be saved. Good bye splurge.

School is back in session and so far it hasn't been too bad...but that may be because I've only had one day of classes! =P

My PR class is going to be by far the best and the hardest. It's my first class on Tue/Thu at 8:55, but luckily, it's been canceled for the next three classes! Yay for sleeping in more! My sociology class will be easy and uneventful I think, and my astronomy class looks like it will be awesome. War and peace (my honors class) I'm not so sure about yet, but it will at least be different than all my others. I'm taking quite an eclectic schedule of different classes.

I've had a little trouble adjusting to being back in Cruces, but I think I'm in the swing of things again. I'm back at work too, and finally over my sickness. I'm very happy to be around my friends again; they always make things interesting. And if course, I'm very happy to be living with Mike again. That's about it with me, just thought I'd give a little update now that school's started again for those who live far away from me.

Minnesota was fantastic! I really didn't want to leave at all. I had a lot of fun spending time with family and being in a constant winter wonderland. It was the best part of the whole break.

I spent Christmas week at home and did stuff with my mom like shopping and going to the casino. Also, unfortunately, I had to buy four brand new tires for my car (poo on the dealership for telling me they were new!), but it's worked out well because I get a LOT more miles per gallon on my car now, like 100-150 miles more.

I also spent a week in Texas with Mike's family. It wasn't so great because his whole family seemed like they were in a bad mood and didn't say much to me. Mike couldn't stand it there anymore either, so he decided he wanted to come back to Cruces with me. I'm very happy to be bringing him home with me. It also only solidified more that Mike doesn't necessarily want to live near his family at all because they do nothing but yell at him and call him names and he still wants to live in Minnesota with me. I don't know how else to describe how they treat him other than mean. They don't appreciate him at all and it was the cause of a lot of tears of frustration from me and him. Mike didn't even tell his family he was leaving with me until we started to pack up the car. Only then did his family, specifically his dad, start to show a little love and care when they realized he was serious about leaving. Texas sucks by the way.

Anywho, Mike was sick the entire time, and then on the drive back to Alamogordo, I got really sick. I'm on day five of being sick, but I'm getting better. I went to the emergency room yesterday morning because it hurt so bad and I hadn't slept in days. They gave me some steroids, and I think they're working.

Now I'm just trying to get caught up on everything that needs to be done before school starts next Wednesday. I just finished ordering my books for a record low price (thank you Amazon, screw the NMSU bookstore). I also had to fill out my work schedule. I found out if I hadn't turned in my conflicts by tomorrow there's a possibility of me not working there anymore, but it's taken care of now. I still have to apply for my degree by Tuesday and then I have to make a payment to the university. THEN, I have to go talk to a professor about getting an internship; I've put it off entirely too long.

Nothing to do now but enjoy the remaining week of freedom. I'm really not looking forward to going back, even though it's my final semester as an undergrad. I've been suffering from "senioritis" since August and I predict it's only going to get worse. I'm heading back to Cruces on Saturday. Hopefully everything will go as planned!

P.S. I got straight A's last semester!
P.P.S I got a short bob haircut and dyed my hair red!

That's right, I'm out of here! Well, I will be on Friday. I'm leaving on a jet plane and heading to where there's snow (hopefully).

Right now everything is slowing down, finally. I only have one more final to do and that's on Thursday morning. I was going to study for it tonight, but the lecture notes aren't online. So convenient.

I'll be coming back from Minnesota on Christmas Eve, at least as long as my luck holds out and I don't get stuck in Chicago. Then I'm probably going to see Mike for New Years, but I don't have any definite plans at the moment.

Life has been so dramatic lately, but I had a few personal revelations the other night which I think will help me handle everything better. Or maybe it's just the optimistic view that a month-long break is just two days away. I can't believe I'm about to start my last semester of my undergraduate career.

I doubt I'll be posting again before the new year, so I wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

See ya on the flip side.

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8. place where you live now:



9. name of past pet:



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16. your nickname or screen name:

So remember how I was unbusily busy in my last post? That exists no more and for the moment I am just busy with school work. It dawned on me finally that I needed to start now if I was to get it all done. I worked hard for a little bit, but then a couple things got post poned, which should be no reason to slow down, but if you know me at all, you'll know I took this opportunity to procrastinate.

I still have so much to do, but one major paper won't be due now until after Thanksgiving break. I have to do a lot today still, but I'm taking a break and posting here for a bit.

I registered for my classes today. It took me hours! I woke up at 5am to get it done so I was guaranteed my classes. Well it wasn't working. I stayed up a while, but there was no sign of it being fixed. From there on, I woke up again at 6am, 7am, and again at 8am. By 8, the problems were being fixed and it still took me until around 8:45 to get registered for my classes. What a hassle! And I felt like I didn't sleep at all because of waking up at such intervals.

My classes for next semester are:
Public Relations and Case Studies T/Th 8:55-10:10
Comparative Family Systems T/Th 10:20-11:35
Life and the Universe T/Th 11:45-1:00
Dilemmas in War and Peace T/Th 1:10-2:25
Roadrunner Review W 4:30-5:55

As you can see, my schedule is lovely! No classes on Monday, Wednesday, Friday (beside Roadrunner rehearsal)! I love it! Speaking of Roadrunner, we had our first rehearsal last night! It was awesome! I love band! It was so energetic to be playing and dancing. I surprised myself with the amount I remembered. I also had a fun dinner date with Andrea last night where I allowed myself to by an expensive candle entitled "Christmas Eve." It's the best candle ever.

I'm excited to be going home this weekend. I'm working tonight until midnight, and then I'm going to drive home. I want to spend some time with my mom while she's on her disability (for those who don't know, she had surgery on her leg). Unfortunately, I will be taking my computer home to get some work done. Having said that, I better go and get back to work! I've procrastinated long enough.

I feel like I'm unbusily busy...if that makes any sense. I have so much I should and need to be doing, but I'm not doing most of it until I absolutely have to, which makes me feel like more of a bum than I should be.

I had a pretty great weekend for the most part. Saturday was ToB. I love band. I think I have to do it again. I miss it so much. Guess it's a good thing that I have my first Roadrunner Review rehearsal this week! Andrea, Brittani, Joe (Andrea's new boyfriend), and I went to the corn maze Saturday night. It was so much fun! I can't believe it's taken us four years to finally go. Now that I've gone I don't want to miss a year. Sunday was a lazy day where Brittani and I just wanted to lay around and be lazy, wasting daylight savings away by playing video games.

Last night was not so good though. Mike's dad has been chewing him out (excessively) for losing his job, something Mike does not need. Anyway, he called again one morning, just to pick a fight it seems. He told Mike that I was to blame for everything that's gone wrong in his life for the past three years. Apparently, I'm the one who caused him dropping out of school, losing this latest job, etc. Though, I guess he said he still liked me, I don't think I can look at him the same way again. He's always been nothing but good and nice to me. But this latest revelation has me wondering if it's just his dad that feels this way, or if this spans to more of his family.

To me, all this argument from his dad shows is how little he actually knows about his son's life. I have done more for him than his family has in the past three years financially and emotionally. Mike wanted to talk to his dad, you know, just to talk to a person about his problems. His dad said, "suck it up and get over it" before Mike even tells him anything about what's going on. He shows no interest in helping his son. Their philosophy towards Mike (just Mike, not the others) is, "You're 18? There's the door, you're on your own, good luck, drop us a line, and do everything possible to make us happy rather than yourself!" I can't imagine treating my children the way he's being treated.